The Revolving Door ((o))

Life,..... My life, in a word, is akin to The Revolving Door at the airport. Forever going round, never stopping for any length of time. However, this time recently passed, the door remained still, to the sum of six long years. Well, six years may not seem very lengthy to some, but for me, it was a lifetime. Full of foothills, mountains, deep ravines, and canyons. .....Don't get me wrong, there were many moments that seemed like bliss,....but then, they were always overshadowed, or torn apart by some damnable circumstance. I am in no way naive, I fully understand that life in and of itself is ever changing, for better or for worse. They say: "It is not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game".....Try asking a dozen or more people, their definitions of pain or unbearable; then,..Ask those same people their definitions of happiness or contentment. My guess is that you would find some very different responses, and yet, some very similar ones. The revolving door of life includes all of the above, some more than the others; be it more pain, or be it more contentment. However, at this moment, I find myself once again examining my door, that has slowly but surely began its movement once again. So many times I have had to raise an eyebrow at myself..... Why?...Well, because there is perhaps one thing I don't fully understand about myself.... How can I have such a great Love and Desire for all things of a Spiritual nature, and then at the same time,..analyze everything and everyone to an almost obsessive degree.... How do the two co-exist? I have no answer, I only know that this is who I am, and it's quite possibly a good portion of my emotional troubles..... So complicated...Or so it seems to me. Now, back to "My Revolving Door", one very slow revolution at a time, one very long and anxiety filled day at a time. Anxiety over what exactly?... Change?,..
Removing the safety net?...Yes well, a safety net full of holes, fear of failing, fear of being alone, fear of the next challenge,...the next mountain?... Will it save me, or destroy me?...Fear of age, although I feel quite ancient on the inside, does not however, make me in the least bit comfortable aging on the outside, but, I'm not going there at this time, I'll store that one.... So many doubts, too many fears...I must seem pathetic, but to me, it feels more like being on a roller coaster, without knowing it's just a ride, and your not going to fall to your death (defeat) at every turn and roll. And now it seems the Revolving Door is picking up it's pace. Do I throw my suitcase into the opening and stop it short, or do I step through for a glimpse of what lies beyond?... Can I do it?... Will I do it?.... Should I do it?..... Stay or go, who am I hurting more?... Whom am I hurting more if I go?.... Whom am I hurting more if I stay...I am factoring myself into these equations as well... On the other hand, whom am I helping?... Myself?.. Anyone?.. And so it goes, as it has gone, analyzing what I can never fully answer, and waiting, and praying, and hoping my spirit will not allow my mind to lead me astray,...whichever path I set myself upon.....



Ronnie