The Revolving Door ((o))

Life,..... My life, in a word, is akin to The Revolving Door at the airport. Forever going round, never stopping for any length of time. However, this time recently passed, the door remained still, to the sum of six long years. Well, six years may not seem very lengthy to some, but for me, it was a lifetime. Full of foothills, mountains, deep ravines, and canyons. .....Don't get me wrong, there were many moments that seemed like bliss,....but then, they were always overshadowed, or torn apart by some damnable circumstance. I am in no way naive, I fully understand that life in and of itself is ever changing, for better or for worse. They say: "It is not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game".....Try asking a dozen or more people, their definitions of pain or unbearable; then,..Ask those same people their definitions of happiness or contentment. My guess is that you would find some very different responses, and yet, some very similar ones. The revolving door of life includes all of the above, some more than the others; be it more pain, or be it more contentment. However, at this moment, I find myself once again examining my door, that has slowly but surely began its movement once again. So many times I have had to raise an eyebrow at myself..... Why?...Well, because there is perhaps one thing I don't fully understand about myself.... How can I have such a great Love and Desire for all things of a Spiritual nature, and then at the same time,..analyze everything and everyone to an almost obsessive degree.... How do the two co-exist? I have no answer, I only know that this is who I am, and it's quite possibly a good portion of my emotional troubles..... So complicated...Or so it seems to me. Now, back to "My Revolving Door", one very slow revolution at a time, one very long and anxiety filled day at a time. Anxiety over what exactly?... Change?,..
Removing the safety net?...Yes well, a safety net full of holes, fear of failing, fear of being alone, fear of the next challenge,...the next mountain?... Will it save me, or destroy me?...Fear of age, although I feel quite ancient on the inside, does not however, make me in the least bit comfortable aging on the outside, but, I'm not going there at this time, I'll store that one.... So many doubts, too many fears...I must seem pathetic, but to me, it feels more like being on a roller coaster, without knowing it's just a ride, and your not going to fall to your death (defeat) at every turn and roll. And now it seems the Revolving Door is picking up it's pace. Do I throw my suitcase into the opening and stop it short, or do I step through for a glimpse of what lies beyond?... Can I do it?... Will I do it?.... Should I do it?..... Stay or go, who am I hurting more?... Whom am I hurting more if I go?.... Whom am I hurting more if I stay...I am factoring myself into these equations as well... On the other hand, whom am I helping?... Myself?.. Anyone?.. And so it goes, as it has gone, analyzing what I can never fully answer, and waiting, and praying, and hoping my spirit will not allow my mind to lead me astray,...whichever path I set myself upon.....



Ronnie

GEES!

Do you ever just feel like crying? However, at the same time you refuse to just let it all out..... Afraid that if you do, your going shatter into a million pieces, that can never be glued back together. Or how about this one, you want so badly to scream, even feel like pulling your hair out!....But then, you'd only look funny with clumps of hair missing from your head....Seriously though, so many days I would really like to just tell myself to get a grip..Really!...And to be completely honest, I should,...Yeah, right, that's gonna work....I'm sorry I just really feel like shit right now....What else is new right?...I even get sick of hearing myself complain....If I wouldn't end up as some bears lunch, I'd go up into the mountains, and not come down until I had my head on straight...I think my main problem is possibly a lack of support. I mean I know it isn't the job of everyone else to keep me uplifted and positive every day...But it would be nice if someone could see things through my eyes, understand, and be supportive, without criticism or judgement..I think the hardest part, is simply that I feel so alone..In my thoughts, inside myself, and in this life in general..whats the @##$%&% answer?...Do you know?... Does anyone really know?.. After all we live within our own worlds and realities, don't we?...Anyway,
I'm just sounding off again, don't mind me...

Ronnie

As My Title Say's

What life is this?
It feels as though I have lived so many, just

within this life alone. And now...It would seem

that I am embarking on yet another life...

What will this one be like?... Fun, exciting,

fulfilling. Who can say.... My spirit feels like...,

how do i explain it......., oh yes..., like falling

backwards and trusting the person behind you

to catch you, but at the same time, your heart

is racing, your mind is reeling, and your just a

little scared....

So many things to ponder, so many questions,

but as with all journeys, you cannot know the

end until you reach it........

Ronnie

Profoundly Native

I wrote this poem many years ago,
It was written with love, and respect
for my ancestors.....

Timeless beauty, uniquely red
Ageless wonder, by great ones led
Pride and honor, so profound
Strength and courage, of a people unbound
Love so great, and weakness small
A world of children, stand so tall
Hearts and souls, together walk
A time for council, prayers and talk
Their spirits dance upon the wind
A nation so great, no mass can bend
The bond of Great Father, and of child
A nation free, Not savagely wild.

Truly Compatable

How do you truly know whether or not you are compatible
with another person...Well, in my opinion.. You should
reveal to that person, the most important thing that you
care about..And, if that person cannot agree, understand
or at least be supportive of this, then I believe, that you
may indeed be fighting a losing battle...
Sincerely,
Ronnie

This I feel is undeniable....

In my own experience I have found, that, what goes
around, indeed comes back around....
Truly,
Ronnie

The Unexpected...

Unexpected thoughts crawl around unchecked inside my mind... What is that? And where did it come from? All alone, I let my mind go where it will, then,
my conscience gets the better of me...I want to shut it off, then, I really don't..
I know I'm not making sense right now, except to me...I can't divulge these thoughts..These are for me alone,...sort of...

Ronnie Girl

The Battle Within...

I am conflicted, and confused. I feel such hope and despair simultaneously.

I care so deeply, that it makes me want so badly, not to care. To just lose

myself to the material world. Why?...Because the spiritual part of myself

is never able to remain within me long enough to heal and overcome, for

all time. I am at yet another crossroad or great presapess, but then again,

I am not... For I can control nothing for any length of time, as to overcome,

or remain in a state of spiritual peace. It angers and distresses me, that the

world may be embarking on a new and wondrous age of spiritual awakening,

and enlightenment, but I will still be the same, with my ever changing moods,

up and down, enlightened then in darkness. Unable to help myself, unable to

follow my abilities to help others. I am sorry for myself, yes... and I am sorry

for those I may hurt, and for those I may never be able to help. I continue to

pray for deliverance from my conflicted and tortured mind and spirit.

Sincerely,

Ronnie

Just A Few Quick Notes...

If you, like myself, suffer from emotional problems, and if you have
any form of spiritual beliefs. I personally have found a few ways
to find "Moments" of relief...These are a few of those ways..
I try to read as many spiritually related books that I can find, or
buy, letting my inner self guide me to what speaks to me the strongest.
Such as, The Bible, The Book of Mormon, Meditation, Psychic Abilities,
Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca, etc.... What ever raises my personal spiritual
energy to good feelings, or higher feelings. Also I find and feel great comfort
at times reading/and or watching people tell their story's of "Near Death
Experiences". You can read many at www.near_death.com , or watch several
on www. YouTube.com by typing in the search bar at the youtube site.." Near Death
Experience". I have a few for viewing on my wiki-zine, which you can find the link to
on this page,called Psychology or Paranormal. For others, going to a church or watching movies with uplifting content can also help give you a little peace in times of darkness. Even
when I feel my worst, and even if it's only for a short time, I feel that any amount
of relief is worth it, no matter how short lived....
Good Luck, And
God Bless,
Sincerely,
Ronnie