The Battle Within...

I am conflicted, and confused. I feel such hope and despair simultaneously.

I care so deeply, that it makes me want so badly, not to care. To just lose

myself to the material world. Why?...Because the spiritual part of myself

is never able to remain within me long enough to heal and overcome, for

all time. I am at yet another crossroad or great presapess, but then again,

I am not... For I can control nothing for any length of time, as to overcome,

or remain in a state of spiritual peace. It angers and distresses me, that the

world may be embarking on a new and wondrous age of spiritual awakening,

and enlightenment, but I will still be the same, with my ever changing moods,

up and down, enlightened then in darkness. Unable to help myself, unable to

follow my abilities to help others. I am sorry for myself, yes... and I am sorry

for those I may hurt, and for those I may never be able to help. I continue to

pray for deliverance from my conflicted and tortured mind and spirit.

Sincerely,

Ronnie

Just A Few Quick Notes...

If you, like myself, suffer from emotional problems, and if you have
any form of spiritual beliefs. I personally have found a few ways
to find "Moments" of relief...These are a few of those ways..
I try to read as many spiritually related books that I can find, or
buy, letting my inner self guide me to what speaks to me the strongest.
Such as, The Bible, The Book of Mormon, Meditation, Psychic Abilities,
Buddhism, Hinduism, Wicca, etc.... What ever raises my personal spiritual
energy to good feelings, or higher feelings. Also I find and feel great comfort
at times reading/and or watching people tell their story's of "Near Death
Experiences". You can read many at www.near_death.com , or watch several
on www. YouTube.com by typing in the search bar at the youtube site.." Near Death
Experience". I have a few for viewing on my wiki-zine, which you can find the link to
on this page,called Psychology or Paranormal. For others, going to a church or watching movies with uplifting content can also help give you a little peace in times of darkness. Even
when I feel my worst, and even if it's only for a short time, I feel that any amount
of relief is worth it, no matter how short lived....
Good Luck, And
God Bless,
Sincerely,
Ronnie

Can you say , Blahhh....

I,m going through a cycle right now. One of
those I just can't seem to stop. It's like trying
to halt a hurricane. (You just can't!!!) These
moods and modes have been going on for so long
now, that I can pretty much label them, and am
quite helpless to change. No amount of talking
or medication is going to make a difference. I
just have to ride it out, and hope that others
will try, at least a little to understand, or at
the very least, not to take it personally. This
"mode" is like being semi-paralyzed to a degree.
Where I cannot persuade, or otherwise motivate
myself into any action that I don't feel (for lack
of a better phrase) up to doing. Rather it be
cleaning my home, or dishes, to socializing, to running
errands, or to even getting out of bed and away
from my computer. It is a form of depression, to
which I am acquainted with most all forms that
depression can take on. A stagnant one for sure.
Not sadness so much as, just inability to cope with
any more stress, and a with drawl from everything and
everyone until I feel stronger type situation. I just know
that I cannot handle any negative feedback at this time
from anyone, because my irritability is also teetering
toward the high end. Anyway, enough for now.
Ronnie

Just posing questions...

Can you see the duality within yourself?
If so, can you see what side is pervasive at this
moment in your life?
What are your dualities? Are they few, or are
they numerous?

Have you ever looked into your own eyes,
and been a little uncomfortable with the
image or eyes staring back at you?...(if so,.....
that ones a little creepy, huh?...)
Ronnie...

Ahhh.....Finally!

A sigh of relief....At last, a good day, a memorable day. No dark shadows lingering about the recesses of my mind. A trip alongside emerald rivers, and Mountains that lift your spirit as high as their peaks. Meaningful conversations, and entirely too much yummy chinese buffet. I am thankful for this day!
Ronnie

Ok, so I'm a little buzzed... so what?

Who's going to read this anyway? I'm tired of this life..I want a new one! I want romance, adventure, shopping sprees, lots and lots of yummy you know whats'. I feel so trapped..
I Truly Love my Husband, above all things!, but he just isn't the man I married anymore, and I know, that he will never be that man again.. I know it's my fault for leaving him so long ago,
I just want to run away, far, far away.. If only I could find the answer...
Ronnie.

Fixing The Problem?

We have to fix the problem, "He Says".....Really! I don't see how a person can fix
33 years of broken trust, a complete lack of security, and a husband who has only given a shit when it suits him, and deserts you when it doesn't... At least for the last 6 years anyway... There are no fixs' , just as there are no get rich quick shcemes that are worth anything. Sure, I suppose you can continue bouncing back forever, if you have a heart of ice, or some really good drugs..
I had both escapes a long time ago... But now, parden my language, but I am so fucking tired of starting over, and over, and over..............Whats the point in even talking about it? you can't really understand anothers pain, the way they experience it unless you have lived their life or something akin to it...I am tired of venting for the moment.....
Yours Truly,
Ronnie

Just plain...Tired..........

I get so damned tired of lies and mind trips! I see so much in this life,

so much of what lies just beneath the surface, so many facades. People living in denial. Why? can't some just face their darkness for what it is. I see my true self so clearly, yet... sometimes clarity is a scary thing. What I see in others, especially their lies, and their refusal to take responsibility for their words or actions, makes me all the more sick and tired.....too much so. How can you fix, what you can't even see is broken. How do you glue back together what is so shattered as to leave you screaming at the enormity of the task. I am the one screaming, down deep in the depths of my darkest moments.